Confusion and insecurity. I've been feeling confused and insecure to varying degrees since I graduated from college in June. Confused over the overwhelming number of options I have now and insecure about the choices I've made so far. Up until this point my life has been pretty well mapped out, I just kept going to school. Now that I'm out I don't know what to do next. There's one thing I do know which is that I DON'T want to stay where I am now; in this job, in this city, with the education I have so far. SOMETHING has to change. This CAN'T be the way the rest of my life plays out.

This makes me think of the Amish. Several years ago when I was in high school I read this book about a woman who went to live with the Amish for a while. Unlike me, the Amish don't have a lot of choices...they know, more or less what they're going to do with their lives. And theoretically, they're content. I've never talked to any Amish people, so I can't say for sure.

"There is a big difference between having many choices and making a choice. Making a choice- deciding what is essential- creates a framework for a life that eliminates many choices but gives meaning to the things that remain. Satisfaction comes from giving up wishing I was somewhere else or doing something else." This is what the author of that book said about living a predetermined life like the Amish do. I wonder if I'd be any happier without having so many choices; without anxiety over making the "wrong" choice or regret over opportunities I passed by.

A few years ago my Amish fixation took hold and I started sewing Amish style quilted wall hangings...hoping against hope that some of that Amishness would rub off on me. Sadly, I'm not kidding. Around the same time my mom and I took a pilgrimage to Amish Mecca...Lancaster, Pennsylvania so we could gawk at the Amish in person. I think at the time we knew it was a little creepy to go stare at people from a culture that did not welcome us. Despite this, we tried to be reverent and respectful towards our fellow human beings. I vividly remember listening to an audio tape in the car giving us pointers for recognizing an Amish farmhouse...it was kind of like bird watching! We saw Amish people driving buggies down busy highways and eating at restaurants! It was like Amish Disneyland! They even had an interactive movie of some sort and a theme park called "Dutch Wonderland"! Wheeeeee! And you can buy an Amish hat!

So that's what I'm thinking about right now...the Amish. What would my life be like if I were Amish?

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